


tell me when the worst is over

by johnkun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming of Age, First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25710826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnkun/pseuds/johnkun
Summary: "We could be friends. I could show you where you can be yourself, in peace." For the first time Hendery actually looks Lucas straight into his eyes and sees something hopeful in them. Having hope, that is not something that he has thought of having in years, but as he gives Lucas a tiny smile and a nod, which is answered to by a much bigger one, he feels hopeful - maybe this could actually be something good.
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	tell me when the worst is over

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT!! this fic contains mentions/discussions of attempting suicide and self harm, also mental hospitals. please be careful if that triggers you.
> 
> so i decided to write hencas again, then i projected myself into some parts of this fic because sometimes u gotta cope like that, after that i somehow finished this with the power that listening to queen gave me and now here we are!
> 
> as usual i didn’t proof-read or anything, so i am sorry if there are any mistakes!
> 
> title is from the dark by the xcerts

**I.**

Spending your birthday at a mental hospital is exactly how everyone says it is - you feel like you're missing on something great, you shouldn't be spending a happy day like this. You're getting older, new challenges will face you. Why does every birthday make you somehow feel like it could be a new beginning? You tell yourself that by your next birthday you won't be the same. You will do a full 180° and become a whole new person. You will change, you don't want to continue living like this. Then a year goes and once again you're older and you find out that you did nothing. You sit on the same hospital bed, watching as the clock strikes to midnight and your birthday has come. You close your eyes. Maybe one day you'll change. 

Hendery gets out of a mental hospital at the age of 16, scared of the outside world and how everyone will react to him being back. Living in a small town makes having secrets hard and it's obvious that this one of his is open to everyone. Does everyone know that he tried to commit suicide on his 15th birthday, spent a few days being attached to all kinds of machines and after that was thrown into the mental hospital in a bigger city? Yes, everyone probably does know it. It's humiliating. He can already feel the eyes that stare at him as he sits on the front seat of his mom's car - they all know that it is Hendery's mom's car. They all know that Hendery is sitting in it, they all know that Hendery was discharged today, they all know about the scars all over his wrist. He had asked his mom six months ago what people talk about him - his mom's mood has visibly dropped and that had answered his question well enough. The crazy boy who tried to kill himself, that's what he is now in the eyes and minds of everyone. No longer just another lonely boy, fading into the background - now he's known for being the official fuck-up of the town.  _ That's Hendery Wong, the insane one.  _ Shivers run down his spine. He never wanted to be seen. 

Hiding himself was easy before. Black hair too long, covering his eyes, clothes way too big for his small frame. Never getting in the way of anyone, avoiding big crowds and conflicts. Sitting in the middle rows in class - at the back were all the troublemakers that would get yelled at the teacher, at the front were all the smart kids that the teacher would pick to answer if nobody else did. The middle rows were a perfect place if you didn't want to be seen, and Hendery really did not. Hiding was easy when you never got invited to parties or really anywhere. The safety that his own room brought him was once there but not anymore. Everyone knows which window is his room's window, even if they can't see inside they will still stare.  _ There lives that boy.  _

Staring at his family's house feels weird. It hasn't changed at all from the outside but it is forever ruined from the inside, it might look the same but there will forever be the atmosphere of darkness lying around, watching and haunting. Sometimes the darkness will whisper, tell him tales about what life could have been, how things should have gone, where he should have died. Safe had once been the house of the Wong's but not anymore. 

As he steps out of the car he sees as the curtains on their neighbour’s house open. It’s the house where Lucas Wong and his family lives and they have been the their neighbours for as long as Hendery can remember. Maybe he has a somewhat of an obsession with Lucas Wong, but it’s only because Lucas Wong is everything Hendery wants to be. Lucas is liked, no, he’s  _ loved _ . Everyone wants to be friends with him. Lucas Wong is smart, and everything that he does is always applauded - Hendery can’t think of anyone who has ever complained about anything Lucas has done. It must not be easy, being that adored - Hendery has thought of how much pressure there must be on Lucas. It is never easy for anyone, but Hendery would still much rather have a life like Lucas than what he has himself. Lucas isn’t known for being a strange, lonely fuck-up. Nobody looks at Lucas like they’ve seen a ghost. Nobody looks at Lucas like he doesn’t belong in there. Lucas is admired. Hendery is seen as what people never want to become. They’re both at the ends of a spectrum where on the other side are the people you are envious of, and on the other side there are the people you pity - Hendery supposes that at least someone must feel pity for him, but would he be surprised if nobody did? Not really. If people pity him, they pity him because Hendery is truly a lost case, someone who has never found themselves properly and does everything to prevent it from happening. People are envious of Lucas because he knows what he’s doing, he’s friendly, he’s attractive, he  _ knows  _ himself and is confident in being truly himself. It’s like someone wanted to make a human who is as perfect as anyone could be and boom, Lucas Wong was made. Deep inside Hendery wants to tell and convince himself that it is not Lucas who is behind the curtains right now, thinking that he is watching Hendery in secret. Believing that Lucas is better than that is easier said than done because in the end, the two of them do not know each other in any way. They are strangers, have always been and will always be, simple as that.

Adjusting back to his normal life had been simpler than Hendery had ever thought. Before he had thought that everything would come back to him as a flash, that he would not stop getting reminded of what he had done there and there and there. But now, as he sits on his bed and stares at the poster-covered walls Hendery once again realizes that it had always been a flaw, or a problem, of his - to make things worse than they probably are. The nurses at the hospital had tried to reassure him that it wouldn’t be like that - it would never be that hard - but his mind had never stopped screaming that it would  _ exactly  _ be like that, there was no other choice. Crying over pictures of him in his head where he loses it all again and never gets better, never goes back to what was normal for him, had been troubling him for the last weeks at the hospital. Thinking of the worst case scenarios had happened even when his mom had picked him up and driven him home. Even if there is a certain type of atmosphere inside that reminds him of the dark places in his mind, the things that he had done, the things he could have done, it is never as much as he had told himself. No breakdowns, no immediate going back to the mental hospital. Safe may not be the word that Hendery uses to describe the inside, but tolerating. It’s hard but he tolerates it. 

Sometimes it's easy to daydream what your life could be if it had been different, and Hendery feels like he is the world champion of doing so. What if he hadn't isolated himself since he was young? What if he hadn't turned down the invitation to Donghyuck Lee's 14th birthday party, would he have made friends then? Feeling like he has missed out on everything comes and goes, and it's hard to accept that he will never have dumb stories from his teenage years to tell - he hasn't broken into abandoned buildings or made out with a stranger at a party, he hasn't smoked cigarettes in secret behind the local grocery store or skipped classes just for the thrill of being caught. Hard to accept, but he has to. It's fine, not everyone has the same experience but there is still something in his mind that yells at him that he is even more of a failure because he is oh, so lonely. 

The tears start to build up, and Hendery stands to close the curtains - nobody can see him like this, especially not someone like Lucas Wong. Before closing the curtains he sees, indeed, Lucas, staring at him from the window that faces his. A small smile is offered to him, but Hendery doesn't smile back.  _ It's fine, they are only strangers. _

**II.**

Alcohol shouldn't be a solution to nursing your problems but had Hendery ever truly cared about what he did to himself? Probably not. The more it hurt, the more he liked it. Alcohol is an easy solution when all your mind wants is to forget. Sometimes you don't even realize how much you have drank until you find yourself not thinking about the things you did while sober anymore. Even if you fall over, throw up,  _ anything _ , because you are so drunk, so out of it - you don't mind it anymore, and that is all that you wanted. You are happy because you truly succeeded to forget. 

It is one of those nights again where he sits at the local pub, the empty glasses that had all held different things piling in front of him. Eyes always staring at him wherever he goes, he can feel them burning through his back. Is he damaging the pub's reputation? Is the local newspaper going to write an article about how  _ that boy,  _ now at the age of 17, has decided to worsen his life by becoming an alcoholic? Or is he even an alcoholic? In his mind, no. Control, he still has it, at least he thinks so. Yeah, all is well. Just a little drinking to drown out the voices that seem to be growing louder and louder as he grows - therapy helps, yes, but sometimes it's still hard to trust people.  _ They see and hear everything here _ , his mom had once said and oh, how true it is. Secrets are bound to be discovered, spread and suddenly it's like you are all they have ever known. If you want your secrets to be safe, you have to keep your mouth shut. 

People come and go, chugging their drinks down and leaving as fast, but Hendery stays. The bartender, Ten, whose faded dragon tattoo peeks at him under the black shirt is watching him, something along with wonder and worry in his eyes. Nobody has ever cared about underage drinking in the town, as long as something brings money it's okay, even if it is wrong - a lot of the time Hendery feels like everything is wrong in this town, and if he could leave and start a new life, he would. But it’s so hard to leave when everything, even if it’s not much, he has is here. Of course he has heard all about Qian Kun, someone who was brave enough to leave it all behind and become himself after years of hiding and keeping everything safe - now Hendery sees Qian Kun on television, speaking about his organisation that helps the LGBT+ youth with everything they could need, a safe place, someone to talk to, anything. People scoff when they see Kun on the screen but some watch him with admiration in their eyes because if he left, they can too (Hendery is one of them, he wishes he could be brave enough to leave).

The jägerbombs make his mind spin until he lays his head on the table but still everything feels so dizzy and unfocused. Maybe drinking is never a good idea since it sometimes reminds him of when he had to test new medicines and how they made him feel like a walking zombie, so out of this world. It reminds him of being so out of it, or was he just tired to keep it inside, that he blurted out that he’s gay to his nurse at the hospital. After that he had cried for the entire session, not knowing if it was because it felt so good to finally say it out loud after years or because he felt so ashamed of being the way he is - even if Hendery knows there is  _ nothing _ wrong with being gay. Crying over the fact that he can never be out as long as he lives here comes easy, and the drinking only helps it. His vision blurs as the tears make their way down, and again he’s 15, knife in his hand, bill bottle empty, ready to end it all - a lot of the time Hendery avoids crying because the blurred vision will always take him back to that moment somehow.

“Hello? Are you okay?” he doesn’t even have to lift his head to know who the voice belongs to. Of course it has to be Lucas fucking Wong who has decided to check on him. 

“Okay, stupid question. You’re crying. You’re not okay. Let’s go outside, yeah?” Hendery only nods and lets himself be dragged outside, Lucas' arm around his waist to support him when he drunkenly tries to walk. They will be the talk of the town tomorrow, but at this point he doesn’t care because  _ finally  _ someone cares enough, and the thought only makes him cry harder. He can feel Lucas lowering him to sit on the ground, and he notices that they are behind the bar where nobody ever truly comes, only Ten when he has closed down. Grateful, that’s how Hendery feels in that moment - he's glad Lucas doesn't ask anything, just lets Hendery calm himself down until all that is left as evidence of his small breakdown is the dried streaks of tears on his cheeks and red, puffy eyes. Cigarette smoke starts filling the air and he watches as Lucas smokes three cigarettes in a row, collecting the butts into a small plastic bottle that he takes out of the pocket of his oversized leather jacket. 

"You're not the only one here who has problems with their mental health, you know? I am not saying this in like a bad way - I'm saying this in a  _ you aren't alone _ way. Here, look at this," the plastic bottle is given to Hendery and first he's confused because honestly, what the hell? But then he looks closer, trying to read the words even if his mind is spinning, and the all too familiar name jump to his eyes.  _ Quetiapine _ . So many questions fill his head, so much wonder awakens in his mind. "This is such a shitty medicine", is all that leaves his mouth and honestly, Hendery just wants to slap himself, ready to apologize because  _ if it works for you, I'm happy _ , but Lucas just chuckles. "I know it is. My stepmom just refuses to take me to the doctor to change it. It's shitty, I hate that fucking bitch." 

Questions and a certain kind of belonging fill Hendery's head - he's curious about Lucas, wanting to know more about the person who has always been close but still so far away. Belonging, because this is the first time that he has ever properly talked to someone who is going through the same things as him - the mental hospital just kept an eye on the patients always so that they wouldn't discuss each other's problems, but now Lucas is there and Hendery knows already more about him than he ever knew about the people in the hospital. So little has been said between them but he already feels  _ different _ . Somehow Lucas manages to make him feel comfortable by being this close to him and it's  _ stupid _ because in the end they are still strangers who just know stuff about each other, in different ways since Lucas actually revealed something about himself by wanting to do so but all that he has heard about Hendery  _ must  _ be based on just what people have told Lucas - rumours fly fast and Hendery has way too many about him. 

"Aren't you scared for yourself, speaking things out loud? Soon they must do the same to you as they did for me." 

"They can't have eyes and ears everywhere, you know? You must just know the right places where to speak, like right here. Ten is harmless and if he heard something, he would never start spreading anything - he's a good man." The answer confuses him because all that he has ever known is to be careful, watch what he speaks, be paranoid about everything once he steps outside from the safety of his home. Believing Lucas, that's what he wants to do but it's so,  _ so _ hard when you have to start breaking habits that have grown so deep inside you over the years. 

"We could be friends. I could show you where you can be yourself, in peace." For the first time Hendery actually looks Lucas straight into his eyes and sees something hopeful in them. Having hope, that is not something that he has thought of having in years, but as he gives Lucas a tiny smile and a nod, which is answered to by a much bigger one, he feels hopeful - maybe this could actually be something good. 

**III.**

Being with Lucas turns out to be easier than Hendery had ever thought. He's everything that Hendery has ever dreamed of being, yes, but Lucas makes him feel like he doesn't have to change himself - also, finding out little things about Lucas, like how he is a little clumsy, how his eyes light up when he talks about animals, how his laugh fills the whole room (and makes Hendery's head spin but in a  _ good  _ way) ; they all make something burn inside Hendery and he still doesn't know if he likes it or not. Crushing on Lucas was never a thing that he thought would happen - he had always thought that he was just jealous of how Lucas is, never had he spared a thought to the fact that it could be some kind of endearment. 

Talking to Lucas is easy, that's what Hendery learns after countless nights spent on laying on a flower field that was hiding inside the forest - Lucas had told him it was his safe place and that he wanted to share it with Hendery. They talk about everything, from dealing with their minds to what they would name their pets if they had any to dreams that feel a little too far to come true but still close enough to say  _ you never know _ . Comfort, that's what Lucas has become to him. Maybe he hasn't opened about all of the things surrounding his mind, but just enough to feel like he's doing progress in being open - Hendery feels like he's not just a closed book, more like one where you go through it and focus on certain things only, some secrets still left untouched. 

“When can I visit your home? We have only been at my place, it would be nice to see yours too,” stiffening at Lucas’ question, he goes through every excuse that could be enough to deny Lucas but the thing is, he can’t. Hendery knows that he has to start going out of his comfort zone and challenge himself in different ways because he can’t let his mental illness control his life, but his home - especially his room - has always been a safe place, something untouched that holds way too much personal stuff. Of course he wants to open up to Lucas more, show more of himself through the photos in his room, the books that are piled on his desk, his vinyl collection that needs a whole shelf of its own. Friends know personal information about each other, and it’s unfair towards Lucas that Hendery knows stuff about Lucas but he doesn’t know even half of those things about Hendery. “Come over tomorrow. I need to clean before you visiting.” The smile Lucas gives him is already worth everything. Maybe it’s time to let someone close, and Hendery is so glad that it’s Lucas.

Nervousness fills him as he watches Lucas take everything in once they step into his room. Watching Lucas’ eyes go from the Lord of the Rings and Queen posters on his wall to the pile of books that looks like it could fall any minute to his bed, which is for one actually made - it all stirs something awake in him, something that he can’t even properly name himself. Lucas turns to him and Hendery  _ hates  _ that he can’t read minds and know what Lucas is thinking. What if he thinks that Hendery is a total loser? What if now is the time that Lucas realizes that Hendery isn’t worth it? What if… “You’re so  _ cool _ , Hendery.  _ What the fuck _ .” Oh.  _ Oh. _ Relief floods him, and he can feel himself relax. It’s all fine.

They end up laying on Hendery’s bed, his Violator by Depeche Mode vinyl playing softly in the background. Sharing more about themselves and what they like - Hendery learns that Lucas is a huge Arctic Monkeys and Red Hot Chili Peppers fan, that he cries everytime he watches cute animal videos and that once he broke his arm when he jumped down from a tree but somehow managed to land on his arm. Laughing at Lucas’ dumb jokes is freeing and Hendery feels like on top of the world - it feels so,  _ so good  _ to be himself and not keep it all inside. 

The vinyl comes to an end, and Lucas turns to him excitedly. "Yeah, you can choose the next one," Hendery says through a small, fond smile. As Lucas comes back and the melody of  _ It's A Beautiful Day  _ by Queen fills the room, something changes in the atmosphere. Something, that feels like it's going to burst out of Hendery's chest any minute - it has felt like that for a while now but just accepting that he has a damn crush on Lucas had still taken time. 

"I had my first kiss to this song," Lucas whispers as the song changes to  _ Made in Heaven _ . Of course Lucas would be more experienced in these things, Hendery had never doubted it, but it still always stings thinking that he has missed out on something that should have been a part of his life. "I haven't had my first kiss yet," he whispers back and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.  _ Why _ must it feel bad to think about these things? 

"Really? I thought you would've, you're cute," his eyes fly open at the words coming out of Lucas' mouth, and he turns to face the other boy, who is looking at him with  _ too much _ in his eyes - they speak so much and Hendery doesn't know if he should laugh or cry. "Are you going to say you have a crush on me next or what?" he tries to keep it teasing, just like a joke when it even isn't - it's just easier to disguise it as that rather than let his emotions and feelings take full control. "And  _ what if _ I did?" 

Time stops. His breath hitches and he's still staring into Lucas' eyes and Hendery knows that Lucas is  _ serious  _ about this. It isn't a joke, it isn't said to mess with his head (Lucas would never do that, Hendery knows). "Is this a confession?" Hendery has to be sure, has to have it said loud and clear because this all feels like a too good to be true fever dream. "It is. I like you. A lot, actually. I didn't know if I should confess or not but then I saw your Freddie Mercury poster and decided to do it. I mean, no straight person has a poster  _ that big _ of him striking a pose in a leotard." And Hendery laughs because okay, true, and Lucas likes him.  _ A lot, actually _ \- in his own words. "You know, I like you too. Always making me have butterflies in my stomach and other stuff. Also, I'm glad you appreciate my poster!" 

Lucas takes Hendery's hand and links their fingers together. It's easy. . Just laying there, small smiles directed towards each other, no rush - it kind of feels like the time has stopped. 

"Can I kiss you?" the song turns to  _ I Was Born To Love You _ . It feels like the right moment. " _ Yes _ ." 

Soft lips touch his and all that Hendery can think of is how it was meant to be like this. Nothing overexaggerating, just a small touch - and it's enough. It's calm, it's safe, it makes his heart feel warm and fill with something so  _ good _ .

**IV.**

Turning 18 was something that was never in Hendery's plans - it had been a silent promise that he had made with himself that he would take his last breath before turning 18, and at 15 he had almost fulfilled that promise. Does it feel weird to him to look at his reflection and see himself smile genuinely? Does it feel sometimes unsettling that here he still is, even if 13-year-old him had cried himself to sleep as blood stained the sheets with a diary full of death? It does, but Hendery still has somehow managed to make himself feel proud because he truly did it - he made it out alive, and he’s thankful that he chose to ask for help. 

The moving truck is loaded with his family’s stuff and it makes Hendery feel a certain kind of longing, even if he has hated this town for his whole life - he supposes that the feeling comes from the fact that he’s leaving Lucas behind and it makes him scared. Even if the city they’re moving to is close, meaning that it will be easy to visit, there are so many things that will be hard to do once they are apart - the things that Hendery will probably miss the most are the nights spent at the flower field, the mornings when he wakes up to Lucas' arms around him that pull him closer, the rainy days when all they do is make-out on Hendery's bed and so on (Hendery will miss everything about Lucas once they’re apart). Yes, they already have planned a video call date and when Lucas will come to visit him, but it still feels weird to let go of everything that they can do when they’re living next to each other - Hendery still believes in them because he knows that they can always go through anything. Besides, he doesn't want his mind to ruin something that is so good that it makes his body tingle with happiness - he has learned to calm himself down a bit when it all becomes a bit too much, so that helps most of the times. 

They have already kissed goodbye in the safety of Lucas' home, and now it’s just a matter of time when Hendery will get in the car and be gone. 

“Call me when you’re there, or just send a message. Anything, just an update that you made it safely,” it’s quiet and he knows that Lucas doesn’t want to cry in front of him, choosing to do it later when he can deal with it alone - Hendery doesn’t want to cry right now in front of Lucas either, because in the end it is also a happy day. A new life, a bigger city where there is more acceptance, a new therapist who seems to understand Hendery so well and on top of that his dad’s new job which is the reason why they’re moving. “Of course I will. I might even send you a picture of how I look after I have finished crying so that you can add it to your “my beautiful boyfriend” folder.” Lucas laughs at that, looking at him with the whole galaxy in his eyes and  _ yes _ , Hendery loves him - he hasn't said it out loud yet, but he just  _ knows _ it. Hendery loves Lucas, simple as that. As he looks at Lucas, clutching a cd full of songs that remind Hendery of him (Hendery had spent way too much time on it but it had to be perfect), through the car window he knows that they will be okay. They are Lucas and Hendery, and they can get through anything. 


End file.
